Who wants to be a potty parmeshwar?

One of the advantages of working from home and typing your thoughts for a living is you get to take a flexible lunch break and watch mindless television to rest your brain cells for an hour. Or like me, you get to be thoroughly horrified and tempted to throw up your carefully crafted low-calorie lunch. You see almost 7 years ago, I had the rare fortune of being one of the people who introduced, rather grudgingly, a malaise called Arnav Singh Raizada to Indian television. Who is he you ask? Arnav Singh Raizada was the original bad boy if Indian television who humiliated his lady love to stardom. If Arnav existed in your neighbourhood you would probably report him to the cops or a nearby psych ward when he broke the string holding a woman’s blouse together, threw her off a mezzanine floor, and gripped her arm so tight he left welts on her skin.

But still, rather disturbingly, women loved him. Perhaps because he had a sister thrown in to deny his indisputable misogyny. So, he could be nice to women. There was just something wrong with the girl that brought out the worst in him and caused latent oedipal issues to resurface. Take it as a compliment ladies because you get to uplift these jerks and be put on the pedestal of love.

Sadly, the worst consequence of Arnav Singh Raizada had was to create a character type that we just can’t seem to get enough off. Angry aggressive men who skulk around till an annoyingly ‘bubbly’ girl enters and forces them to curb their casual misogyny. Don’t believe me? Take television’s latest big offering Bepannah. The cast boasts of popular faces that are bound to draw in audiences. Audiences that will watch a man for reasons he knows best manhandle, bully and mentally torture the widow of a man who was his wife’s lover. It’s convoluted, illogical and unacceptable. Not surprisingly it's doing well on television. If you don’t believe me, go catch up with Madhubala, Geet, Rang Rasiya, Kumkum Bhagya, jeet gayi toh miya mohe, or many of their cousins, poisoning television one abusive man at a time.

                         

So what does it take to be and get a good looking jerk to be your perfect potty parmeshwar? Here are the top tips for finding that perfect brute who will make your skin bruise and your heart palpitate in fear.

1.    Have unresolved mommy issues: The first and most important rule is to make a woman responsible for his misogyny. Have his mommy die, be unfaithful, abandon him, or be un-sanskaari in some completely clichéd way. If nothing else make his mommy a wimp who didn’t support him against an abusive daddy. Either way, blame the woman. Enter love interest who then helps him deal with his oedipal pangs and mollycoddles him out of misogyny. Ladies be sure to enjoy mild S & M, bestiality, and remain cloyingly cute at all times

2.    Be rich: A wealthy sociopath is always more acceptable than a poor one. A man in a shanty is not worth transforming ladies. Keep your eyes open for the black suit or uniform wearing, salon-style stubble bearing, publically famous and upright but privately cruel man who lives in a mansion/haveli. Don’t you see the delightful irony? He is rich but doesn’t pay for therapy… that’s where you come in.

3.    Fifty shades of bruises: What’s love without having your beau shoving you around a bit? That’s what tough love is all about. How boring is a normal husband who speaks to you without pinning you against a wall, clenching his fists or pushing you out of his way? Dull dull dull. Remember that behaving like a sociopath and showing you scant respect is a sign that he is the one. If you end up bruised or sob in a bathroom like Jennifer Winget in her latest show, remember… harassment and physical abuse are the foundations of an epic love story. #scarsnotsanskaar #fuckfeminism

4.     Just keep digging: He can get better ladies. It’s you who are not trying hard enough. There is an iota of goodness inside him, you just have to keep letting him shit all over you and wear him down with your bright personality and tears. Dard will melt the dork one day, and till then you can wear kundan and crepe and ask Devi Maa to help your self-respect from resurfacing.

While bad heroes may make for good ratings, any psychologist will tell you that an abusive man needs help and a divorce. In a country where women are treated with such scant respect even under perfectly non-soap opera circumstances, its callous, and grossly irresponsible to make shows that romanticize and glorify the ill-treatment of women. Please let’s snap on a conscience and create heroes who actually have the balls to deal with their complex emotions and process setbacks like adults.