Dear Aadu,
Next week will mark a year since I lost what I thought was going to be my dream job. Over the past six years in Singapore, I have struggled immensely to find and keep jobs, and after a long period of struggle, I thought that this was finally going to be the pot of ‘honey’ at the end of a rather dark tunnel. After all, it was a writing job, it was a small expat company, my colleagues were mostly women and mothers who were open to working with some flexibility. But unfortunately, about five weeks after I went through two rounds of interviews and one written test, I was told that I wasn’t good enough, and had to leave.
I am aware of my shortcomings. It was a completely new environment, I was returning after a long maternity break and perhaps it took me longer than allowed to settle in. I was overwhelmed with the work, the new technology; I made typos and spelling mistakes, but never missed a deadline. Ironically, just when I was doing things right I was told that I just didn’t have it.
I am aware of my shortcomings. It was a completely new environment, I was returning after a long maternity break and perhaps it took me longer than allowed to settle in. I was overwhelmed with the work, the new technology; I made typos and spelling mistakes, but never missed a deadline. Ironically, just when I was doing things right I was told that I just didn’t have it.
To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I never had a bad breakup in school or college. But being an expat wife and mom has given me plenty of experience in that department. I have had my self-respect, confidence and heart trampled over so consistently that I think today almost nothing can hurt me anymore. I have a heart of Teflon now. But the humiliation of being forced out even before my probation period got over, shook whatever little confidence I had left.But here is what I learnt from my last job-related disaster that I think I should share with you.
1. Introspect:
Never lose a chance to introspect and be honest with yourself. As the dark clouds of rage slowly began to move away, I began thinking about what I could have done differently. Perhaps I should have spoken to human resources and shared my difficulties with her? (there was just one totally unsupportive woman but what the hell). Maybe I should have taken my boss out for a coffee and tried to tell her to cut me some slack? Maybe I should have put my side of the story down in writing so that it would not only be her word against mine? Perhaps I tried too hard to fit in and ended up becoming annoying? I know now that I have to take complete responsibility for my life and stop relying on other people to rescue me. Nothing and no one can rescue you unless you wear a life jacket or learn how to swim. But the biggest realisation that emerged, was that perhaps I work best when I don’t have to live under the pressure of someone continuously monitoring my performance. It also made me realise that as a parent I should not put this fear of displeasing authority figures into you. You should have the confidence to question and call out wrong, cruel and unprofessional behaviour, and stand up for yourself despite the consequences.
Never lose a chance to introspect and be honest with yourself. As the dark clouds of rage slowly began to move away, I began thinking about what I could have done differently. Perhaps I should have spoken to human resources and shared my difficulties with her? (there was just one totally unsupportive woman but what the hell). Maybe I should have taken my boss out for a coffee and tried to tell her to cut me some slack? Maybe I should have put my side of the story down in writing so that it would not only be her word against mine? Perhaps I tried too hard to fit in and ended up becoming annoying? I know now that I have to take complete responsibility for my life and stop relying on other people to rescue me. Nothing and no one can rescue you unless you wear a life jacket or learn how to swim. But the biggest realisation that emerged, was that perhaps I work best when I don’t have to live under the pressure of someone continuously monitoring my performance. It also made me realise that as a parent I should not put this fear of displeasing authority figures into you. You should have the confidence to question and call out wrong, cruel and unprofessional behaviour, and stand up for yourself despite the consequences.
2. Grieve:
While some say it’s pointless to wallow in self-pity and feel sad about something you can’t change, never feel bad about taking the time to grieve. Everyone gets over setbacks differently and never feel ashamed to acknowledge your own. Your father is better in this matter, but when I am truly hurt, it takes me much longer to let go of what was meant to be and accept what is. In this case, I think I was both hurt and utterly humiliated. After spending a decade writing, to be told that you aren’t good enough was soul crushing. While I did start writing again almost immediately and spotted my ex-boss covering the same event that I was, the grief of having lost my big chance was real. Sorrow is like a stomach bug or flu. Different people react differently depending on their constitution, so give them and yourself the time and space to heal.
While some say it’s pointless to wallow in self-pity and feel sad about something you can’t change, never feel bad about taking the time to grieve. Everyone gets over setbacks differently and never feel ashamed to acknowledge your own. Your father is better in this matter, but when I am truly hurt, it takes me much longer to let go of what was meant to be and accept what is. In this case, I think I was both hurt and utterly humiliated. After spending a decade writing, to be told that you aren’t good enough was soul crushing. While I did start writing again almost immediately and spotted my ex-boss covering the same event that I was, the grief of having lost my big chance was real. Sorrow is like a stomach bug or flu. Different people react differently depending on their constitution, so give them and yourself the time and space to heal.
3. What’s next: As bad and hopeless as things may seem, luckily for all of us, time standing still is just a fictitious concept. Ten minutes after telling me that I had lost my job and handing me a tissue to wipe my tears, aforementioned HR woman and my ex-boss sat in front of me and discussed whether they were going to have a salad or sandwich for lunch. While I was still in the room handing over my laptop and completing my final formalities. While it does speak volumes about their insensitivity and callous attitude, it also showed me in retrospect that time moves on very quickly. In some ways, I did too. I immediately got in touch with another company working in the same space and went on to write a steady number of articles for them which were very well received. Turns out, I can write well when I’m given room to use words the way I naturally do and focus on making sense instead of not making typos. Bitterness, as someone rightly said is a paralytic. It’s like caffeine that may fuel you in the short term but will keep you coming back for more. So, while you can mope and feel sad, remember that time moves on, people will make small talk as your dreams go up in smoke, and if you don’t switch on a flashlight and start looking for a new path you’ll be the only one left behind.
4. Learn: I do understand that there are people with much bigger worries and facing situations far more unbearable than mine, so this point is perhaps selectively applied. But I’ve realised that even from the biggest disappointment you can learn something. Literally and figuratively. I learnt writing for an SEO driven website, I learnt new software like Survey monkey and got better at using Facebook. I became more aware of how content has to be crafted for the digital medium and how different it is from what we learnt traditionally as the inverted pyramid of journalism. I also learnt that if I don’t talk about my difficulties, people can portray me as indifferent, fine, and just plain dumb. I learnt that there is a difference between being defensive and defending yourself and your truth. You will have setbacks and there will be situations that seem impossible to get out of. But keep breathing, keep moving, use the survival techniques you know, and remain open for that elusive crack of light. The world is hard, cruel and unforgiving but it doesn’t have to make you that way.
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